In the yearly, ”Best of Napa” awards by the Best of Napa Society, the restaurant chain, Chipotle, on Soscol Avenue, was granted the prize for Napa’s best burrito, beating out other local favorites such as Villa Corona and Taqueria Maria.

“I liked that you can choose exactly what you want and you know if someone sneezed in your tortilla,” said Gail Hammersham of the all-white panel of judges. “The chicken wasn’t too hot, like it sometimes is when I specifically order it mild. Mild means mild!”

Jason Everett, this year’s Board chair and organizer stated in the press release, “The Chipotle burrito got high marks for non-drippiness, clean flavor, lack of pig knuckles and the ability to eat it in the car with one hand. This wrapped Mexican-American food product is a great example of American corporate cultural ingenuity and masterfully yum bean and cheese alliances. Plus, it is made by a staff whose ages are exactly the same as their minimum hourly wage, which is humorous to me for some reason.”

When asked why the La Luna Market didn’t rank this year, a stillness came over the panel of judges. Mr. Everett eventually spoke up. “While Luna scored well in the Mexican Authenticity category, there was an unfortunate lack of necessary facilities here in the office on that particular day. A lawsuit is pending.” One particularly white judge remarked, “It was like getting ass-raped. Never again. Never again.”

The Chipotle on Trancas Ave. was awarded second place.

A trial vineyard in the Calistoga AVA of the Napa Valley has been through its first year of development and the proprietors are hopeful that this block will provide answers to the future requirements that would be put on vineyards due to climate change, a rapidly changing water table in the Napa Valley aquifer and the as yet unknown demands of the coming AI overlords.

Emmitt Chamberlin, of the Napa Reckoning Society, said that this 4 acre block planted to six different experimental root stocks will pave the way for future nutrient allocation standards and drought tolerance performance, while also delivering the kind of quality that our future sentient overlords will hopefully expect.

“Making sure that rootstock are of the quality that our super-intelligent, all-knowing masters require is as equally important as drought and heat-stress resistance. I believe that the algorithmically pure ultra-advanced neural mainframe godhead will most be pleased by a better scion interaction that will curb blind budding,” he said.

When asked how long the rootstocks are taking to develop and analyze, Chamberlin expected that we had twenty months until the Singularity, and all of the world’s water would be needed for data-center cooling.

In a much anticipated session of the Northern California Grape and Wine Association, the actor, Paul Giamatti issued an apology to the Merlot of the United States wine industry. With characteristic sympathy and heartfelt expression, the Sideways actor said to a bottle of Shafer Merlot, “I never meant for my actions, much less the foundational moment of my career, to hurt you. I'm sorry that I brought so much pain and suffering to you and the farmers that love to over-crop you.”

When I asked if he still liked Pinot noir as much as he did 20 years ago, Giamatti quipped, “I was an actor in a movie you morons! You’re all sheep!” He then dumped a large spit bucket over his head and stormed off.

With casual but no-less remarkable fanfare, Napa has celebrated its newest 100 point winemaker. Jody Meerset of Hulios Winery and Cannery has crafted a remarkable and multiple award-winning Cabernet Sauvignon.

“I am honored, thrilled, baptized by this score,” said Jody. “The first thing I did was rush out and get my sales-teeth.”

The list of 100 point winemakers has grown substantially in the last ten years, now totaling eleven-thousand five-hundred and sixty-one, with Miss Meerset’s accomplishment. At the last 100 point winemaker convention, winemakers were squinting at each other painfully, their teeth visually blaring.

In what Police are calling an escalating and ongoing tragedy, a Rampaging Party Bus spun out of control and inverted its position on the narrow and normally quiet Crystal Springs Road. Multiple occupants of the Party Bus were injured but refused care from EMT responders.

“It was two in the morning and I heard this thumping music. Some tires squealed and there was this enormous crash, and I leaped out of bed. I was so scared,” recalled Jill Gifford, a local resident.

As Police came on the scene, the Party Bus occupants demanded high-fives and directions to Rombauer. During questioning and a breathalyzer test, one party-goer caused a distraction by urinating on herself while the rest of her compatriots righted the Party Bus and sped off. Police gave chase but lost the bus somewhere in the Canard vineyard.

Over 50,000 excited amusement park guests were treated to the opening of Disneyland’s newest themed land, the much anticipated NapaLand. This new addition to the highly trafficked Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California showcases wine-themed rides, new lovable characters like “Cabby Cluster,” and wine coolers for children.

Napa has long been called the “Disneyland” of California wine regions and Disney’s themed entertainment division was keen to turn the tables and call Disneyland the Napa of wine experiences.

Speaking at the ribbon-cutting event while she held up a chalice of Disney-branded Napa Red Blend, Leslie Wilheim, Chief Fun Advisor and MW for Disney spoke exuberantly. “This new addition to Disneyland will give parents a new option for taking a break, relaxing from the struggles of Frontierland and the long lines at Star Wars attractions and will provide fantastic wines, wine education, wine reflection and wine excitement with the new wine flume ride.

“Napa wines and the beautiful Napa Valley have had a substantial impact on the cultural Zeitgeist of our modern society. Disneyland and the Napa Valley have been the number one and number two tourist attractions in California. Now that we have merged the two we are offering our visitors a ‘toofer,’ if you will.

“Our goal with this exciting new section of Disneyland is to offer all of the experiences that wine brings to people: the back-to-nature agricultural experience, the sensorial-savoring experience, the around-the-table community experience and the wallet-emptying experience.”

Joel Suskind and his family were some of the first visitors to experience the grape-stomping hall. “The kids love jumping up and down on the grapes, my wife loves the Cinderella White Zin and I’m just happy we don’t have to spend $900 a night for a hotel!”

Not everyone was as jubilant, thought. Abigail Ethridge from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, who comes to Disneyland with her family every year, voiced some concern, ”If Napa is Disneyland for wine and Disney has NapaLand for Napa, I can’t tell if this is a Disneyfacation of Napa or a Napafacation of Disney. It’s all very confusing.”

Staff members were happy to point out that there was a six mile line of patrons waiting for a 3 ounce pour of Uncle Walt’s Private Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon, $500 each.

In a startling survey of tasting room employee practices, over two-thirds of responders freely admitted to using the glass-buffing apparatus on their genitals, not to mention face, armpits and anal cavity.

Becky Kellerman of the Wine-Tasting Quality Association asserted, “I don’t know which is worse, the fact that this has been common practice, or that it was widely admitted with such shocking candor. I wish we had put that question in the survey years ago.”

Apparently, many tasting room employees have long been seduced by the whirling phallic brushes of microfiber twine, transfixing in their motion and warmed by a hot, continuous blast of sultry air, however it wasn’t confirmed until this survey that winery employees have been recklessly and remorselessly furbishing their unmentionables along with the stemware.

“I polish around five-hundred glasses a day,” says Christopher Evenson of Bello Dono Winery. “I mean, it’s right there,” he said, referencing his crotch height.

A special investigation has been promised by the WTQA to assess the plausibility of keeping employee genitalia out of the glass buffers completely, or if it is more efficacious to provide a “genital only” buffer for employees.

After receiving their EIN in the mail, Elliot and Miranda Sykes became the last Silicon Valley retirees to not yet acquire or establish a Napa Valley winery. Their parcel, a 0.09 acre vineyard which was planted in the front lawn of their North Napa townhouse, is the backbone of their 2,800 case production, Cabernet Sauvignon focused wine brand.

“We were a little late to the action,” Elliot mentioned while opening a bottle of the “Prime of our Lives” Private Selection Cabernet. “We had been coming to Napa for years, and we just fell in love with it.” The husband and wife clinked glasses as Miranda continued, “We have always loved wine, so we thought, why not pay a vast consulting network to prove to our friends that our wine is better than theirs?”

With the tech retiree sector now homogeneous in their ownership of Napa Valley wineries, these husband and wife duos make up 83% of all wineries under 10,000 cases and 97% of all unlicensed tasting rooms in the county.

Over the next four months, Lake Berryessa, the 1.6 million acre foot reservoir that provides recreation and hydroelectricity to Napa County, will be drained of water and filled with prestigious Napa Cabernet Sauvignon. Soon after Jeff Bezos, the billionaire businessman who founded Amazon, stated that he would be making a summertime visit to the Napa Valley, the Bureau of Reclamation reported the plans for total fluid exchange.

“This is an exciting chapter in the history of this Great Lake,” said Naomi Hernandez, president of the Berryessa Tourism Accountability Group. “First, all water will be jettisoned into Solano County over the course of two days. Next, only the highest quality back-vintages from the finest Napa Valley wineries will be gently pumped in over the next two months, perfectly aerating and opening up the bouquet of the wine lake.

Hernandez went on to say that “Berryessa Sauvignon” would be off-limits while Mr. Bezos was enjoying his Napa Valley vacation of wine jet-skiing, wine scuba-diving and drink-foiling.

The amount of delicious Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon should reach right up to the glory hole, and should any overflow, “what is Solano County going to do, complain?” Hernandez quipped.

When asked if this would be a 100% varietal lake or a blend, Hernandez was quick to respond, “Mr. Bezos has made it clear that his standards require only the finest Cabernet Sauvignon. Absolutely no Carneros Merlot was specified in the contract.”

The fish from Lake Berryessa will be relocated to Lake Hennessy, unless Mr. Bezos feels the need to wine-ski on Chardonnay.

The illustrious Caymus family has just released an exclusive line of wine gummies, meant to bridge the gap between high-end wine consumer and cannabis dispensary degenerate. The “Special Select” gummies are $80 for a two-pack; a finely pillowed grape-sized gummy that is uncompromising in its integrity to the deliciousness of Napa Valley fruit. The Special Select gummies are bold, balanced and have a Caymus-style restraintlessness.

Due to the extremely high alcohol and sugar content these gummies are not meant for Boomers over 91. Also, these gummies contain 100% concentrate and should never, ever be consumed with alcohol or cannabis, as it has been known to create dizziness, golfing and divorce-influencing paddling at wine auctions.

An impressive new vineyard analytical monitoring system, which promises full integration, real-time phloem logistics and shelf-bending binder weight, has hit the Napa grape market with a splash. Illiehel Ohrenfolios, GM of Vineyard Technical Solutions, gave an extensive talk to a packed house at the Napa Presentation Hall.

“Every vineyard manager can now pivot dynamically with each passing Fahrenheit degree, every millionth ETO inch. We now have a pixel-by-pixel approach to your vineyard. A millisecond by millisecond watch over her.” He waited for applause, then continued. “But I’m old school. To me, the real benefit is the bloated binders of illegible spreadsheets. The notes on the margins from the long-gone employees who are now hotel concierges. The nervous upward glances of cellarmasters who wonder if the wall-mounted bookshelf will hold during the next earthquake. And let me remind you. Your CEO will not find this data on a perfectly labeled folder in your iCloud. Print it out. Put it in the binder. When he asks if Vineyard Technical Solutions is worth it, where do you point?”

The audience responded, ready and unprovoked, “The big binder.”

In a controversial statement from Napa Police and the Local Citizen’s Coalition, the idea of a legally sober motor transport hour was brought up. The idea has been floated before, but never with the aggressive timespan of an entire hour.

Locals were quick to question what hour would be specified.

“Tasting room hours are 10-5, so those are out,” said Craig Matthews of Five-Star Winery. “Most folks have an all-day buzz going.” He shrugged. “It seems unreasonable.”

District 4 supervisor, Helen McNichols wouldn’t commit to supporting the proposal, but said that some parts of it could be serviceable. “I see it as a fun, community rallying event. We’re saying, let’s say, between nine and ten am, as an experiment, mind you, we’re all not, you know, on our phones and hammered. While driving on this heavily trafficked road. Just for a scheduled hour. Just as an experiment.”

Local Citizens Coalition Spokesperson Jeff Wishnowsky said that he thought of the proposal after following behind a weaving Trans Am convertible on the Silverado Trail for eleven minutes from Silverado Vineyards to Pine Ridge.

With a unanimous vote, the Napa Farmworkers Collective has made equality training mandatory, a great step forward for the county’s inclusion and workplace understanding initiatives.

“With this mandatory training,” NFC’s William Robertson stated, “all Napa Farmworkers will spend a half-day learning through video lectures about how they are equal to everyone else, and will then participate in break-out sessions where they will learn as a team that no one is above anyone else and that they are not immured.”

If you see a farmworker outside of a vineyard, you are encouraged to view their completely equal status from a respectful distance.

After some effort, the discarded engine from a now lost 1952 Studabaker pickup was pulled from the To Kalon vineyard, well known for its high-value wine grapes, but less for rusted junkyard waste.

“The disc kept bouncing over something, so I sort of dug around,” said Jorge Ruiz, tractor operator. “And what do you know? Right in the middle of block 5 is this old V6.”

Representatives were quick to point out the superior benefits the rusted engine has given to the soils, such as iron content, microbial housing and luxuriant mouthfeel.

On an otherwise quiet night at the upscale Yountville restaurant, Bottega, a Circle Oaks resident was arrested and driven off by Police.

“I knew something was off the second he walked in,” says host Melanine Gibson. “He was wearing tennis shoes.” The Circle Oaks resident’s name has not been released, but sources say that he was shown websites of popular eateries in Napa such as the Jefferson Cafe, Pasta Prego and the Arby’s in Fairfield.

With Gavin Everett’s twenty-first birthday comes a new and cherished family birthright: being the signee on their family’s fence permit application. The 4th Generation to be assigned this honor, it brought a tear to the eye of his father, Tim Everett. “I’ve been thinking about my grandfather, Chuck, and how proud he’d be,” the Napa man said. “He passed this fence application onto his son, and then to me. I’m so proud to hand it off to Gavin.”

When asked what would happen when the permit gets approved, Tim could only stare quizzically back.

After a tour of Napa’s new correctional facility, some officials were surprised by the lack of grape fermenting equipment and oak barrels. “We had a nice look around and certainly it is impressive and is much better than the aging jail, but the question still bugs me. Why is there no winery?” says Glenda Parsons of the Assessor’s office.

The $133 million facility will house more prisoners who will not be racking barrels, sterilizing tanks or polishing bottling line equipment.

In a report disclosed by the Napa Tourism Association, the amount of women peeing after climbing up into the trees surrounding tasting rooms has risen sharply. “This very critical metric has been used for years and for some time, hasn’t been very encouraging,” said Jessie Bartlett, Vice-Chair of the Board. “Yearly revenue has declined as the main body of wine consumers ages, tasting fees have become a barrier and bachelorettes have been sober enough to find and use the ladies’ room. But this recent report is good news.”

Residents are cautioned to stay clear of ornamental trees and shrubbery in tasting room parking lots, especially if a limousine or party bus is idling.

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